Internet

Steak and Blowjob Day: The Dumbest Holiday on the Internet

March 14. I love March 14. It’s Pi Day, the recognition of π, but also more importantly just an excuse to eat pie and think about circles. It’s way cooler than Mole Day, October 23rd, which is coincidentally my birthday. (For reference, Mole Day is derived from Avogadro’s number, which is approximately 6.02×1023. But if you’re not a chemist, Mole Day is probably just the day you might count your moles.)

But as it turns out, the internet has to ruin Pi Day for me too. Steak and Blowjob Day has murky origins, but it took off among a bunch of male 20-30 somethings a few years ago. These days, it has its own website, over 1600 followers on Twitter, over 45,000 “likes” on Facebook, and multiple front-page posts on Reddit. What’s more, is that it’s the dumbest holiday on the Internet.

Hermione: What date is it tomorrow? Ron: Why it is my favourite day of the year, March 14th. Hermione: Why on earth is March 14th your favourite day of the year? Ron: Why March 14th is world steak and BJ day every wizard knows that!" Hermione: [looking like "get me outta here"]

(Girl, I know.)

If you look up Steak and Blowjob Day, you’ll find that it falls on March 14, a month after Valentine’s Day, and fancies itself a “Valentine’s Day for him.” Here’s what the lovely and informative Urban Dictionary says about it:

Celebrated on March 14th, Steak and Blowjob Day is a holiday for men, celebrated the month after Valentine’s Day—a holiday for women. The idea is simple: no cards, flowers, candy or other whimsical gifts. Ladies (and gay men), you simply bestow your partner with a steak and a blowjob. Not necessarily in that order.

Dave: “Hey Bob, what did Sally get you for Steak and Blowjob Day?”
Bob: “Well Dave, that would be a big juicy steak, and a big juicy blowjob.”

Great. Because even if you’re a lady who’s a giver in the sack, nothing—I repeat, NOTHING kills the mood faster than designating a holiday based entirely around female domesticity and sexual obligation. I get it. Some guy on the internet got sick of buying chocolate and flowers, and giving his wife spontaneous foot massages every year. There are pressures that male partners face every February 14th. Sometimes when they don’t do something special, their ladies get sad and compare themselves to their happy lady friends . Sometimes you feel like a bad partner for not doing something. Valentine’s Day is primarily a bullshit holiday, and this isn’t fair.

But the answer to this is not yet another bullshit holiday! It’s like someone said, “I’m sick of this bullshit! And the only way to fix this is with more bullshit!” In fact, Valentine’s Day is primarily a bullshit holiday for both parties involved. The number of women’s lingerie commercials spikes in the month of February (right after the Super Bowl), urging women to get a pair of lacy undies for their man on that special day. And if you’re a dude who’s sick of going through the motions, then I’m sure you’re aware of how an obligation to be nice doesn’t actually feel nice.

She loves you? She doesn’t even know you!

So maybe you’re like, “Yeah, but what’s the big deal? I did something nice for her, is there a problem with getting her to do something nice for me?” Why? Because it’s “fair”? Is sex a bargain? If it is, you’re doing it wrong. In a world where women are pressured to be sexually permissive already, I don’t see how this rationalization makes things better. Even if you don’t think Valentine’s Day is complete bullshit—if you see it as a holiday where you do something nice for your partner, and you enjoy doing it—the answer to this is not something that reminds your lady she owes you. The immediate response to doing something kind is not “It’s my turn.” That’s just another expectation to live up to, and another reason for someone to feel like a terrible partner.

Some douche on Facebook saying: It's Steak and Blowjob day. Ladies this is my second favorite Holiday. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME.

Nothing says “Not tonight, honey” like passive aggressive Facebook posts.

Not getting a blowjob this March 14th? Whatever, man. Find solace in the fact that you’re even somewhat decent. Sit back. Have a slice of pie. Think about circles. Not boobs, though—boobs are more semi-spherical, and those require a different equation, which I’m sure there’s a holiday for.

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